What is Dating Violence/Dating Abuse?

Dating abuse is a pattern of abusive behaviors-usually a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time- used to exert power and control over a dating partner.

• Controlling Behaviors:
  • Tries to prevent partner from spending time with her/his family or friends
  • Tells her/him how to dress
  • Buys her/him anything as a method of control
  • Threatens to spread rumors if partner doesn’t do what he/she wants
  • Tells her/him where to live, either on or off campus
  • Prevents her/him from participating in sports or other extracurricular activities
  • Prevents her/him from going to study groups
  • Tells her/him what classes to take

• Verbal or Emotional Abuse:
  • Threatens to kill him/herself if partner stops seeing him/her
  • Threatens to hurt partner if they break up
  • Threatens to hurt her/him (hit, slap, choke, punch, kick) when angry
  • Makes insulting comments to his/her partner
  • Tries to humiliate or intimidate his/her partner

• Physical Abuse:
  • Hurts (hit, slap, choke, punch, kick) partner when angry
  • Makes partner fear for her/his safety

• Abuse via Technology:
  • Demands passwords
  • Checks partners phone, texts, and e-mail messages
  • Calls and texts partner’s cell phone to check up on her/him more than 50 times a day
  • Shares or threatens to share private or embarrassing pictures or videos of his/her partner

• Sexual Abuse:
  • Pressures partner into having sex or engaging in sexual activity when she/he doesn’t want to

• Forced Substance Abuse:
  • Pressures partner into drinking alcohol or taking drugs when she/he doesn’t want to

• Stalking:
  • Repeatedly watching, following, monitoring or harassing a partner or ex-partner
  • Stalking can occur on-line or in person and may or may not include the giving of unwanted gifts

• Financial abuse:
  • Taking or withholding money from a partner
  • Prohibiting a partner from earning or spending her/his own money

Sources: Breakthecycle.org and

CampusSafetyMagazine.com

How prevalent is Dating Abuse on College Campuses?

• Nearly half (43%) of college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating behaviors including physical, sexual, tech, verbal or controlling abuse.
• One in three (36%) dating college students has given a dating partner their computer, email or social network passwords and these students are more likely to experience digital dating abuse.

Source: 2011 College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll

Who are the Perpetrators of Dating Violence?

• ANYONE can perpetrate dating violence/abuse!
• Dating violence/abuse can happen to anyone, by anyone and within all kinds of relationships.
  • Men to men
  • Women to women
  • Men to women
  • Women to men

Source: jhsph.edu

How often is dating violence reported? 

According to a Department of Justice report, on 25% of physical assaults perpetrated against women are reported to the police annually.

What role does alcohol play in dating violence?

When a partner is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the risk of abuse increases. While using drugs and alcohol can affect a person’s judgement, using them is not an excuse for violence or abuse.

Source: www.thehotline.org

Whether you’re in a relationship or just thinking about dating, remember your rights:

• You have the right to privacy, both online and off
• You have the right to feel safe and respected
• You have the right to decide who you want to date or not date
• You have the right to choose when/if you have sex and who you have sex with
• You have the right to say no at any time (to sex, to drugs/alcohol, to a relationship), even if you’ve said yes before
• You have the right to hang out with your friends and family and do the things that you enjoy, without your partner getting jealous or controlling
• You have the right to leave a relationship that isn’t right or healthy for you
• You have the right to live free from violence and abuse

Source: loveisrespect.org

Domestic and dating violence are all about the need for one person to gain power and control over another individual. It can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, gender, ability, religion, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation.

The College Power and Control Wheel is a tool developed by the Indiana University of Pennsylvania’s Haven Project to identify ways in which an individual can experience an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship in college. This tool was inspired by and adapted from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project Power and Control Wheel.

• Amber wants to say hi to Chris, but Tommy, her boyfriend, wouldn’t let her. When Amber laughs off the jealousy, Tommy, whose hand she is holding, squeezes her hand – hard. Amber tells Tommy to stop because he is hurting her and Tommy responds, “Then maybe you should listen when I tell you something.” This is physical abuse.

• Julia is really into fitness, but her boyfriend, Ty, isn’t really into it. Every time Julia sees Ty, she makes hurtful comments about his weight and eating habits like, “Are you sure you want to eat that?” or “Why don’t you stop being a lazy slob and exercise? You’re lucky to have someone as hot as me.” This is emotional/verbal abuse.

• Jenny and Brad have been sleeping together for a few months. Jenny is concerned about getting pregnant so she started taking birth control. Brad tells Jenny she doesn’t need her pills and that if she loved him, she would just trust him. He makes a habit of flushing her birth control down the toilet. This is sexual abuse.

• Monica and Tina broke up last week, and Tina isn’t taking it too well. She started publically posting the private pictures Monica sent her while away at 4-H camp because she wants Monica to hurt as much as she does. This is digital abuse.

• Ash isn’t interested in an exclusive “dating” relationship and suggests to Hunter, the person Ash has been talking to, that they take a break for a while to cool off. Hunter begins following Ash between classes, repeatedly insisting that they should be together. After being told to back off, Hunter keeps following Ash, and begins tracking Ash’s online check-ins. This is stalking. 

• Ana and Ramon have shared custody over their one-year-old son, Brandon. Ramon regularly takes Ana’s credit card without her permission and charges items until her card is maxed out. Ana has talked to Ramon, telling him that she doesn’t want him making charges on her credit card, but he just responds saying he needs things, and asking, “Don’t you want me to be happy so I can be a good Dad to our son?” This is financial abuse.

Source: Breakthecycle.org

For more resources identifying unhealthy or abusive relationships, please see the #ThatsNotLove campaign at: Joinonelove.org

ON-CAMPUS RESOURCES:

Counseling Services (Confidential Resource) 

Professional counselors are available in Counseling Services to provide victim-centered services and resources for survivors of sexual assault.

All interactions with Counseling Services, including scheduling of appointments, sessions, and student records are confidential. To learn more please click here.

A counselor will:

• Listen and provide sensitive, nonjudgmental support
• Assist in making arrangements for getting medical care if desired
• Review legal and/or campus adjudication options so that the survivor can make an informed decision about what actions they may take. Getting help does not mean that you must press charges
• Assist in filing a formal report if the student should decide to do so
• Review additional resources and options
• Provide follow-up assistance if desired

Counseling Services is located in room D-216 (entrance behind stairwell on left).

Health Services (Confidential Resource) 

Health Services provides emergency contraception, testing for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s), pregnancy testing, and more. These services are provided free of charge for survivors. Health Services is located near the campus South Gate entrance at the corner of Route 202 and Hornbeam Road.

The Office of Title IX (NON-Confidential Resource) 

Location: D-104 (near the Arch)
Phone Number: (201) 684-7220

The Office of Title IX provides assistance navigating campus and community resources. Support can include:

• Help in identifying your immediate needs
• Referrals for counseling, advocacy, medical, and legal resources
• Issuing a “No Contact Order”
• Explaining your rights and resources for reporting to law enforcement and/or College officials
• Requesting academic extensions or accommodations (such as assistance in transferring to another section of a course, assistance in requesting withdrawal or an incomplete grade in a particular course, leaves of absence or withdrawal from the College, or assistance requesting alternate methods of completing coursework)
• Assistance in relocating an on-campus housing assignment or campus job
• Increased security and monitoring of certain areas of the campus
• Arranging a meeting to discuss safety planning
• Providing step by step assistance with investigations under the Sexual Misconduct Policy
• Providing financial aid-related information
• Transportation or parking accommodations
• Connecting you with a variety of other campus and community resources

Students do not need to participate in an investigation or file charges in order to request support from the Office of Title IX.

The Office of Violence Prevention (Private, but NON-Confidential Resource)  

The Office of Violence Prevention houses prevention education programs addressing sexual assault, domestic violence, dating violence, and stalking. The office also houses the Violence Intervention Prevention (VIP) Peer Educators who teach other students about sexual violence and affirmative consent.

Location: C-216 (near the Fishbowl)

Phone Number: (201) 684-7430

*Office of Violence Prevention staff are required to report incidents of sex and gender-based harassment/violence (including dating violence) without any identifying information to the Public Safety Department for inclusion in the daily crime log and annual statistical report and for issuance of any required timely warning notice. A timely warning will not identify the victim, but may include information such as the location of the incident, a succinct description of the incident, and prevention and reporting strategies. Public awareness events (such as “Take Back the Night” or other forums in which students, staff, or faculty members disclose incidents of sexual misconduct) are not considered a report of sexual misconduct or notice to the College of sexual misconduct for purposes of reporting to the Title IX Coordinator.

The Women’s Center (NON-Confidential Resource)

The Women’s Center advocates for an equitable environment free from violence and harassment based on gender, race, and sexual orientation. Peer listening is available for survivors of sexual assault. The Women’s Center also offers programs to support survivors and prevent interpersonal violence such as Take Back the Night, The Clothesline Project, and Walk a Mile in Her Shoes.

Location: C-220 (near the Fishbowl)

Phone Number: (201) 684-7468

*Women’s Center staff are required to report incidents of sex and gender-based harassment/violence (including dating violence) to the Title IX Coordinator. Public awareness events (such as “Take Back the Night” or other forums in which students, staff, or faculty members disclose incidents of sexual misconduct) are not considered a report of sexual misconduct or notice to the College of sexual misconduct for purposes of reporting to the Title IX Coordinator.

 OFF-CAMPUS RESOURCES:

Alternatives to Domestic Violence

Alternatives to Domestic Violence (ADV) is a division of the Bergen County Department of Human Services, which is exclusively devoted to domestic violence intervention and prevention. ADV offers a full range of specialized services including:

• Community education
• Counseling
• Court Appearance Preparation
• Court Accompaniment
• Crisis intervention
• Individual, group, and family counseling
• Information and referral to other needed services
• Legal advocacy and assistance
• Professional training

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Highly-trained advocates are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.

Love Is Respect

If you have questions about dating in general or a specific relationship, or if you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you can contact advocates from Love is Respect 24/7 by calling 1-866-9474, texting “loveis” to 2252, or using the live chat feature on their website.

Watching a friend go through an abusive relationship can be very scary and you may feel like you’re not sure how to help them. The decision to leave can only be made by the person experiencing the abuse, but there a lot of things you can do to help your friend stay safe.

What Do I Need to Know?

If your friend or family member is undergoing the serious and painful effects of dating abuse, they may have a very different point of view than you. They may have heard the abuse was their fault and feel responsible. Even after realizing that there’s abuse, they may choose to stay in the relationship. As a friend, try to be there for them because although they may not show it, they need you more than ever.

If they do choose to leave, they may feel sad and lonely when it’s over, even though the relationship was abusive. They may get back together with their ex many times, even though you want them to stay apart. Remember that it may be difficult for your friend to even bring up a conversation about the abuse they’re experiencing.

What Can I Do?

• Don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend who you think needs help. Tell them you’re concerned for their safety and want to help.
• Be supportive and listen patiently. Acknowledge their feelings and be respectful of their decisions.
• Help your friend recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and is NOT their fault. Everyone deserves a healthy, non-violent relationship.
• Focus on your friend or family member, not the abusive partner. Even if your loved one stays with their partner, it’s important they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.
• Connect your friend to resources in their community that can give them information and guidance. Remember, loveisrespect.org can help.
• Help them develop a safety plan.
• If they break up with the abusive partner, continue to be supportive after the relationship is over.
• Even when you feel like there’s nothing you can do, don’t forget that by being supportive and caring, you’re already doing a lot.
• Don’t contact their abuser or publicly post negative things about them online. It’ll only worsen the situation for your friend.

But My Friend is the Abuser!

It is difficult to see someone you care about hurt others. You may not even want to admit that this person is abusive. But remember, when you remain silent or make excuses, you’re encouraging their hurtful ways.

Ultimately, the abuser is the only person who can decide to change, but there are things you can do to encourage them to engage in healthier behaviors. It’s not easy for abusive people to admit that their violent behavior is a choice and accept responsibility for it. They may benefit from having control over their partner and may turn to you to help justify the abuse. Do not support the abuse in any way. Remember, you’re not turning against your friend or family member — you’re just helping them have a healthy relationship.

• Learn the warning signs of abuse so you can help your friend or family member recognize their unhealthy or abusive behaviors.
• Your friend may try to blame the victim for the abuse. Don’t support these feelings or help justify the abuse.
• Help your abusive friend focus on the victim’s feelings and the serious harm they’re experiencing. Don’t support your friend’s efforts to minimize the severity of their behavior.
• Don’t ignore abuse you see or hear about. Your silence helps the abusive person deny that their behavior is wrong.
• An abuser choosing to seek professional help can be an important step for them to take in working toward change. If you feel completely safe doing so, suggesting that they consider this option could be another way to support them in changing. Chat with a peer advocate for help.
• Stay in touch with your friend or family member about the abuse. Be there to support the abuser over the long-term.
• Remind them that change will create a better, healthier relationship for both partners.
• Set an example by having healthy relationships in your own life.

Source: loveisrespect.org

Self-Care

It is natural that you want the best for your friend. In your concern, remember to take care of yourself too. Providing support for a victim/survivor is important work. If that support extends over a prolonged period of time or is particularly intense, you may find it difficult to provide high-level care that matches your desire to help. Be sure to pay attention to your own emotional cues, engage in activities (i.e. writing, exercising, socializing with friends, enjoying a hobby) that make you feel good, and seek outside support to help you and your friend. Remember you do not have to support them alone.

 (Adapted from Princeton University)