Women's Center: Sexuality

Abstinence:

|| What is Abstinence? || Know Why You Are Waiting ||
|| How to Make Abstinence Work for Your Relationship || Know What to Expect || Benefits of Abstinence ||

Have you and your partner decided on abstinence? Abstinence has many positives, one of which is that it allows you to build a strong foundation for a close relationship. Choosing abstinence may help you focus more on communication and respect for one another. Having sex is not the only way to have an intimate relationship. Intimacy can be achieved through getting to know one another on an intellectual and personal level, which can lead to deep friendship and trust.

Information from ETR Associates

What is Abstinence?

Abstinence can mean different things to different people at different times.

Abstinence can mean:

• No sexual touching at all, for now.
• Some sexual touching but no sexual intercourse.
• Any kind of physical contact except intercourse.

Make sure you both agree about what abstinence will mean to you. Be clear and know what your limits are. This will help lessen the chance of misunderstandings. It will also make it easier to avoid situations that could make it hard to stick to your decision.

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Know Why You Are Waiting.

If you understand why you are waiting it will be easier to convey these reasons to your partner as well as allow you to commit to your decision. There are many good reasons to abstain from sex. The reasons offered below might help you become clearer on why you have decided on abstinence.

• You might believe that sex belongs only in a marriage or other serious, committed relationships.
• You might be focusing on school or a career that takes a lot of your time and attention.
• You might want to use abstinence to prevent pregnancy.
• You might want to use abstinence to protect yourself from STDs, including HIV.
• You might want to know each other really well and feel very close before you have sex.
• You might just not feel ready to have sex at this time in your life. Not feeling ready is a perfectly good reason to wait.

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How to Make Abstinence Work For Your Relationship

Being abstinent works better if you make the decision together. You both need to be clear and respectful of each other's opinions. Both of you need to agree on why you have chosen abstinence and constantly communicate how it is working for you. Ask yourselves:

• Is abstinence working in the relationship?
• What do we like about being abstinent?
• What don't we like about being abstinent?
• Is abstinence still the best choice for this relationship?
• Is the relationship growing from our abstinence?
• Do you both still want to be abstinent?

By keeping the lines of communication open you may avoid misunderstandings. By making decisions together that respect and support each person's needs can help build love and trust. Always remember that if your partner does not respect your decision and honesty then you should ask yourself if the relationship is worth being in. You should never have to be pressured into sex. Sex without your consent is rape.

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Know What to Expect

At times you might find it hard to adhere to your decision. That is why it is important to be aware of these times and come up with ways on how to handle them without compromising your abstinence.

Here are some ways to handle things that could make abstinence difficult:

 

• Pressure from friends. Focus on your reasons for waiting to have sex. Standing up to outside pressures together can bring you closer.
• Strong sexual feelings. It's OK to have sexual feelings and not have sex. You can talk about this and think of other ways to direct your sexual feelings. You can also avoid being alone in "sexy" situations.
• Pressure from partner. If one partner is urging the other to have sex in spite of the agreement, you need to talk about it.
• Alcohol and other drugs. Using alcohol or other drugs affects judgement and decision making. Agree to avoid these substances, or discuss how you will handle situations if they come up.

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Benefits of Abstinence

There are many benefits to abstinence. Being abstinent can:

• Strengthen your relationship. Making an important decision and solving problems together helps develop your "relationship skills."
• Help you talk to each other. Sometimes couples have sex instead of talking. Being abstinent can give you room to talk more and express your feelings in ways that aren't sexual.
• Keep you safe. You won't have to worry about protecting yourself from pregnancy or STDs, including HIV.
• Bring you closer. Not having sex can put the focus on other things such as trust, caring, and friendship.

Make sex special. Deciding not to have sex can make sex more special and exciting when you feel the time and person are right.

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