Being Told - When A Person Comes Out to You
Try to be aware and remember that the LGBT person is apt to have spent many hours in thoughtful preparation and shares the information with keen awareness of the possible risk.
There is no way for the LGBT person to predict your reaction accurately. You have spent your entire life in a society that teaches you to despise gay people. The LGBT person has no way of knowing in advance how able you will feel to throw off those years of training and respond spontaneously and gratefully to such an intimate offering of self.
It is important to understand that the LGBT person has not changed. You may be shocked by their revelation, but remember this is still the same person as before. Don't let the shock lead you to view the LGBT person as suddenly different or bad. You now know that this person can love someone of the same gender completely-you have no reason to believe suddenly that this person is morally depraved or emotionally unbalanced.
Don't ask questions that would have been considered rude within the relationship before this disclosure. This person has the same sensibilities as before. However, you may well need to do some "catching up." Some common questions are:
- How long have you known you were lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender?
- Is there someone special?
- Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
- Is there some way I can help?
- Have I ever offended you unknowingly?
Be honest and open about your feelings. It makes the sharing more complete and makes change possible. If you find it hard to believe, say so. If you find you are reacting with emotional repugnance but want to learn more so you can throw off your prejudice, say so. If your feelings are totally negative, you can say that too. It is the possibility that the gay person has certainly considered and risked. But in fairness to yourself admit aloud that negative feelings may change, so the gay person will leave the door open for you to return if you are able to get past your training. We gay people are accustomed to hurt, but with someone close the rejections may hurt too much and we have to get away.
You may well be tempted to break the bond you have with this LGBT person. Though he or she has not changed, the information now confronts you and your homophobic training. A conflict may be inevitable. Just as some people develop specific phobias (heights, snakes, deep water, etc.) many people take in the antigay messages of the culture and develop homophobia. It is a disability like other phobia and you can get help with it through psychotherapy, provided the therapist does not share your phobia. But just as the person who is phobic about deep water may be unaware of anything more than a discomfort with and avoidance of oceans, lakes and rivers, the homophobe may be aware of discomfort in the presence of gay people and the desire to avoid them. If you are prone to homophobia, you will be strongly tempted to rid yourself of this previously valued friendship by quick rupture or (if that includes too much guilt in you) by a slow undermining of the relationship. If you see the symptoms and want help, try to find an LGBT -oriented psychotherapist. Don't risk unknowingly working with a counselor who shares your homophobia. If you destroy the relationship, chances are the gay person will be hurt, but will survive, having been preparing through life for such a reaction on your part.
If your homophobia is of the very mild variety (like the person who can take the elevator up twenty stories but does not want to visit the tallest building in the city) you can get help from reading and from making social contacts with more LGBT people. Prejudice thrives on the lack of contradictory information. Integration destroys stereotypes. The more LGBT people you meet, the better the chances of ridding yourself of mild homophobia.
If you know or suspect that someone you know is LGBT and have not yet been told, appreciate the fear and anxiety that inhabits the disclosure. All you can do, usually, is to make it openly known that you appreciate and support LGBT people. Actions speak louder than words, however. LGBT friends and LGBT -oriented reading materials in your home do more than announcements of pro- LGBT feelings, which can sound phony.
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